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How to start adoption process?

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Lattegirl84 Posted: Tue, Dec 10 2013 6:50 PM

I was wondering how to get started looking into adoption. Where do you go for information? I don't even know where to start! 

DH and I are unsure of what this next year brings us. We are meeting with an RE right after New Years but not certain we will pursue treatments. We aren't against it, just want to consider all options. I'd like to have an idea of how to learn more about adoption and how that might work for us. Any resources or help you could offer would be appreciated!

 

Me- (32) DH (31) married 2012

me-PCOS (thin). Homozygous MTHFR C677t.   DH- low sperm count, taking Clomid to correct.

Baby Boy September 2014  via c section 

Baby Girl April 2016 successful VBAC! 

 

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dj rayne replied on Wed, Dec 11 2013 8:35 AM

This should help ADOPTION: WHERE DO I START?

David Jude

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Lattegirl84 replied on Wed, Dec 11 2013 4:41 PM

Thanks DJ! Great link.

Me- (32) DH (31) married 2012

me-PCOS (thin). Homozygous MTHFR C677t.   DH- low sperm count, taking Clomid to correct.

Baby Boy September 2014  via c section 

Baby Girl April 2016 successful VBAC! 

 

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lee526 replied on Thu, Dec 12 2013 8:46 PM

A note from out personal experience: we went to a meeting for potential adoptive parents to learn more about domestic infant adoption. We got lots of information but it was emotionally much, much harder than we expected. A room full of mostly infertile couples, all still kind of grieving and trying to accept the idea of moving forward with adoption and then the rep drops the financial bomb on you and the idea that basically, open adoptions are your only option if you want to be chosen by a birth mother. We left much, much more defeated than we were going in. I don't think that's bad - adoption is a big choice and people need the facts. But it was more difficult than we expected. Hopefully your experience will be much more uplifting to start! 

 

Just a note: we are still excited to adopt, just a little more sober about it. 

Me 29 and DH 30

TTC #1 as of 9/2012

Sept 2013 - all testing at RE is perfect for both of us.  After six more months, RE recommends Clomid + IUI

October/November 2014 Clomid + IUI = BFP! EDD July 30, 2015

Baby boy born 7/18/15; induced at 38 weeks due to obstetric cholestasis and delivered healthy via cesarean after concerns of fetal distress. So thankful for our little guy and every step of this strange journey! 

 

 

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Lattegirl84 replied on Fri, Dec 13 2013 5:21 AM

Lee, how did you find out about a meeting like that? I think it would be good for us to find something informational like that. 

It is discouraging to hear what you learned, although i have gathered the same impression from people we know who have adopted and the little research I've done. I know I would not want an open adoption. I know people who have done it as well as international adoptions. I think we would go for international if we could raise the money.

I'll keep researching, and maybe I'll find some encouragement for us! This is  such a long, hard journey!

Me- (32) DH (31) married 2012

me-PCOS (thin). Homozygous MTHFR C677t.   DH- low sperm count, taking Clomid to correct.

Baby Boy September 2014  via c section 

Baby Girl April 2016 successful VBAC! 

 

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ILoveBluebonnets replied on Fri, Dec 13 2013 8:56 AM

We went to an informational meeting for adoption/foster care. If you're open to foster to adopt...there is a possibility of getting an infant that way. I was not as comfortable with foster care and the potential that they could send those babies back to their birth parents after we'd gotten attached, so DH and I were only considering kids who were already free for adoption (but with a much less likely chance of any child under 2). I started with this website www.adoptuskids.org and linked to my state's website. (Side note: one thing they told us at the meeting was thay TONS of kids are placed before their pictures ever go up on those websites, so don't make the mistake of thinking that's an all-inclusive list... those are likely the kids they are having trouble placing)

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lee526 replied on Fri, Dec 13 2013 3:52 PM

We found our meeting by asking friends who adopted what agency they went through. We researched the top one (happened to be Bethany Christian Services) and they had posted informational meetings for our area. We actually would probably not use them for a few non-essential reasons, but we were thankful we started there. We are currently in the foster care program but not foster-to-adopt at this point as we would like a younger child to begin. In terms of open or closed adoptions, international will most likely be your best bet. Our case worker as good as told us that if we weren't willing to have an open adoption then we probably wouldn't be chosen. Our issues with an open adoption is the need to maintain contact and visitations with a bio mom - and she sets the terms. To change them (if we move away) could involve legal action. Many people don't have those problems but we are not ready for that right now. 

We are ok with foster care for now and are not financially prepared to move forward with an adoption.  Yes, we expect to get attached and have to say goodbye but no one said any aspect of parenting would be easy so here we are. :) 

good luck! Being a parent of any kid will be challenging and heartbreaking and wonderful. 

Me 29 and DH 30

TTC #1 as of 9/2012

Sept 2013 - all testing at RE is perfect for both of us.  After six more months, RE recommends Clomid + IUI

October/November 2014 Clomid + IUI = BFP! EDD July 30, 2015

Baby boy born 7/18/15; induced at 38 weeks due to obstetric cholestasis and delivered healthy via cesarean after concerns of fetal distress. So thankful for our little guy and every step of this strange journey! 

 

 

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daybreak.seeker replied on Sun, Dec 15 2013 4:18 PM

i like this resource as well:  http://adoptuskids.org/.  blessings!

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Lattegirl84 replied on Thu, Dec 19 2013 5:46 AM

Thank you everyone! I will definitely take your information into consideration. This is a lot to think about and process. 

Me- (32) DH (31) married 2012

me-PCOS (thin). Homozygous MTHFR C677t.   DH- low sperm count, taking Clomid to correct.

Baby Boy September 2014  via c section 

Baby Girl April 2016 successful VBAC! 

 

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daybreak.seeker replied on Sat, Dec 28 2013 2:16 PM

sorry if this is too late; friends of mine who have open adoptions just send a letter and a picture once a year to the birth mother...  this is not a huge commitment to them, and later, some of the children have been thankful for the openness for them as well, in knowing who their biological parents are. good luck and blessings on this journey!

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LittleWifeAlly replied on Tue, Dec 31 2013 2:26 PM

Just another story-

In a small group I attend, I just found out that one of the other ladies is a birth mother- she had her little girl when she was only 16, and gave her up for adoption. The birth mother is now VERY stable- married, very involved in church, and has three sons with her husband. She has an open arrangement to see her daughter, and now that the daughter is 14 and facing lots of pre-teen issues, the birth mother is able to give great advice and support- it seems like the adoptive parents are very glad to have kept in contact all these years.

It may not be very likely, but you never know- you could have a birth mom who becomes a great person!

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jaa replied on Tue, Dec 31 2013 9:55 PM

We used Lutheran Social Services, so we just went to their website for our state and that provided the info regarding informational meetings.  I have friends that have adopted through Catholic Family Services (neither of us are Catholic, so I don't believe we could use their services), Bethany Christian Services, and then we also know people who have gone through private adoption attorneys.  I would just google these kinds of sites for your state and they should have information about how to get started.

I will tell you that we ultimately adopted internationally and there are times I really wish we had some way to contact my DS' birthmom.  We were initially scared of open adoption when we first heard of it, and at the time, international adoption was often faster, thus the reason we went that way.  My DS is at the age now where he is asking questions and would like to know about his birth family, and we have very little information to provide him.  We have a picture of her and a family court report that just details the fact that she was young, single, and very poor, and that is about it.  I have friends who have a wonderful open relationship with their daughter's birthmom (like an earlier poster mentioned, she has really turned her life around and is now very stable).  They have a lot of contact with her, and her family, but everyone knows my friends are the parents, and the birth mom is the birth mom.  Their daughter calls her birthmom by her first name, and there is no overstepping of bounds.  They have another adopted child and the relationship with his birthmom is much more the typical, send a letter with a picture every year, but that works too.  They know a lot about her and will still be able to answer most of his questions, when and if he asks them.  

In our agency's orientation sessions, they had a panel with both adoptive and birth parents there, and it really alleviated a lot of our concerns about open adoption.  Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I wish we wouldn't have adopted internationally because then I wouldn't have my DS, but I do wish I had a bit more information for him, or even a way to send her a letter and see if she would respond.  We adopted through Guatemala, and with the current state of adoptions there, I don't even know how to begin figuring out how to get into contact with her.  I contacted our international agency, and they could only provide a name of someone who used to do birthmother searches.  Because there are not adoptions between the US and Guatemala anymore, the agency no longer has any staff there or any contact with the adoption attorneys they used to work with.  

Just wanted to give you another perspective on open adoption.  

Jill (42), DH (48), DS (8), DD(4), DS(2), and 2 angel babies

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dj rayne replied on Sun, Aug 24 2014 8:34 AM

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David Jude

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artermix replied on Sun, Aug 31 2014 10:42 PM

Adoption is actually quite easy. It all depends what sort of options one is open to. 

The more one is open to different children available, the wider the market of children becomes. It is almost like shopping. I hate to use that term for children adoptions but it works exactly like that with similar parameters.  The only difference is that there are more children available in clearance racks than in the regular merchandise.

Most people do not  want the children on sale…or the ones damaged or defective or previously used.  Everyone wants the newest …gadget…I mean...child.   Yes  I am making an analogy with shopping I find it very sad that when it comes to human beings people apply the same standards of  maybe it is a subconscious thing. Understandable too.  

Foster care, and precisely foster care with adoption option is an easy way to obtain a child, because there are so many children available especially over 5 years of age.  I compare that to the clearance rack that even the store does not want anymore. So the store (states) pays you a fee to adopt this child. 

It is important to remember that adoption is NOT for everyone.  You adopt a child to change their lives and likely they are going to change yours very deeply.  If you adopt to fulfill a dream of missed parenthood with the same romantic ideas you have about parenting you own children, you could be terribly disappointed.   This is perhaps the reason why most people think that adopting an infant is the only option they give themselves.  The infant waiting list for state adoptions is very long (average of 3 to 5 years in some state even more).  This is why private agencies national and for overseas adoptions are filled with requests.

 

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