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Thoughts on Christmas Eve announcement

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SRRP Posted: Wed, Dec 21 2016 5:21 PM

Pending a doppler scan tomorrow and if we can still find a HB (because I am paranoid after a MMC and two more years TTC), Hubs and I planned to announce to his parents on Christmas Eve.  While there has been other grandchildren within his sibling group, none have been birthed in 12 years so it would be like a brand new announcement.

My BIL and his wife have been married for 16 years now and have never been pregnant.  As far as I know, they are not really trying since they both drink heavily, smoke cigarettes and pot as well as never exercise and eat horribly and we love them just the way they are!  Recently she has been posting things on FB about sensitivity to pregnancy posts and infant loss awareness but again, no one knows of any miscarriages and possibly because they just haven't said anything.  These are also pre-generated meme's, not her own words.

We planned on announcing with an egg that has a note in it.  This would be wrapped and given to the parents at the end of unwrapping gifts.  My husband sees no issue with this because it is our time and it is a happy time.  My friend on the other hand has mentioned that it is insensitive even though no one has a clue if they want kids.  It's not like I am giving them all an egg or pictures of my scan to open up, just his parents.

What are your thoughts on this?  Should I give the gift at a separate time instead of when we all sit down to open gifts?

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Me:29  Kiss  DH:32

TTC #1 Since Dec. 2015

MMC in May 2014 @ 10 weeks, measured 6.2 weeks and no HB 

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lava2 replied on Wed, Dec 21 2016 7:14 PM

Hey!

So glad to hear things are going well. This is such a wonderful time to be pregnant and think of all the lovely traditions you'll soon get to start with your own baby! 

As for the announcement, I definitely always err on the side of being sensitive to others who might be suffering from infertility. Is it possible for you to talk to your SIL beforehand, to get a sense of where she's at? Or perhaps get your parents together privately, if you're only giving them the eggs. 

I've had a miscarriage and know lots of women who have had multiple, which makes me extra careful around this topic, so take my reticence with that in mind. I also don't generally tell anyone until 12 weeks, but it's hard to keep this a secret at this holidays. 

Good luck, and whichever way you decide to go, enjoy this time.

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Heather678 replied on Thu, Dec 22 2016 12:44 AM

They are going to find out one way or another that you are pregnant, so I'm confused what your other option would be? Maybe I missed something but I don't see how they could be offended. It's hard when you know someone is feeling sad for whatever reason, but it's not your fault. I don't support being intentionally  offensive or insensitive, I just see the other side of things... I have never had a miscarriage (only by the grace of God), but we have spent years seemingly unable to get pregnant, so I get it. But I also feel bad for people like you who feel bad about this thing that is supposed to be happy. Sorry if this makes me sound insensitive. 

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tmonee replied on Thu, Dec 22 2016 6:52 AM

I would tell them in private instead of involving the whole family. Because you don't know what the BIL and his wife are going through I would be extra sensitive around them.The gift idea would still work in private.

Speaking as someone who has gone through loss, miscarriage, and now infertility it would be really hard to sit there and look excited. In fact, I'd probably burst out in tears... and that would be super uncomfortable for everyone. It's not that I wouldn't be excited, I just would wish I could also give that type of gift to my parents and the reality would come crashing down on me. I cried a few weeks ago when my niece text me saying she was pregnant with her third. I can't imagine getting that news in person and having to put on a happy face or trying to not let it ruin my day, Christmas is hard enough as it is.

I hope you're able to figure out what is right for you. Good luck and congratulations!

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soon2be_mrsd replied on Thu, Dec 22 2016 8:19 AM

Approaching this Christmas, I was quite sad.  It's my nephew's first christmas and he's my parent's only grand child - we live with my parents and my sister and her family live 2 miles away.  I obviously love my nephew and am thrilled for his first christmas (I totally spoiled him like everyone else!) but it was still really sad.  There have been moments the past few months where I've seen my parents "light up" in awe of their grandchild and I had deep sadness for feeling like I'd never get to see that same excitement from them.  I've seen my sister grow more into the role of mother and it tugged at my heart.  I knew Christmas was going to be a day of putting on a happy face and I truly hoped and prayed that the excitement of the day would overrule my personal feelings of jealousy or inadequacy.    I struggle with feeling jealous because I've NEVER been a jealous person and from a values standpoint, it's a terrible feeling/emotion to have.  I WANT to rejoice with people who are going through happy moments, but it became hard.   

 

So while I agree with Heather completely that in theory it should be fine to tell them with the rest of your family around and you should not worry about offending people just as they should not be unhappy for your happiness  (and agreeing with her that you don't even know if they would truly be offended or are trying/struggling).   I also agree with tmonee and lava.  You should give your parents the gifts in private - and I'd do that towards the end of the day because if you do it right in the beginning they will likely just go and tell everyone else anyway so it's like you told everyone at the same time.  You could also send a text or email to SIL/BIL ahead of time with your news so they can process it personally/in their own time and tell them you plan to give the parents eggs-- that you did not want them to be shocked and also didn't want them to feel left out of the announcement because only they were getting eggs.

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Diagnosis: ovulation disorder, pelvic adhesions, tubal dysfunction:  4 medicated cycles with femara + FSH injections (2 timed intercourse and 2 IUI) - all BFN.  We are done with treatments now (Nov 2016).  Trying naturally for a bit while exploring other paths to parenthood.

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SoccerGirl replied on Thu, Dec 22 2016 10:05 AM

soon2be_mrsd:
You should give your parents the gifts in private - and I'd do that towards the end of the day because if you do it right in the beginning they will likely just go and tell everyone else anyway so it's like you told everyone at the same time.  You could also send a text or email to SIL/BIL ahead of time with your news so they can process it personally/in their own time and tell them you plan to give the parents eggs-- that you did not want them to be shocked and also didn't want them to feel left out of the announcement because only they were getting eggs.

MrsD's idea above sounds like a perfect balance to me.  Although you don't know exactly where your BIL and his wife stand when It comes to wanting kids I think those facebook posts indicate there is something going on beyond what you can see on the surface that goes beyond what she feels comfortable sharing in person.  Giving them/her a chance to process the news ahead of time will help prevent being blindsided by the news.

When I was dealing with PIF my brother and SIL announced they were having #2 while we were all camping together.  I was really and truly so happy for them but in the next 3 days there was no opportunity for me to process the feelings of sadness that arose over my inability to get pregnant.  I balled most of the long drive home.  About a year ago I found out some family friends were pregnant by the husband telling my DH.  It was nice to have a heads up ahead of time.

It is such a fine line to walk.  Your pregnancy is worth celebrating and Christmas pregnancy announcements are so special!  The fact that you are thinking of her shows that you are a compassionate person.  Good luck deciding on what will be the best course of action to take.  Wishing you a H&H 9 months!!Flowers

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Started charting 2010 after stopping HBC.  My charts: http://www.ovusoft.com/members/SoccerGirl/charts/default.aspx

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Badger4Life replied on Thu, Dec 22 2016 11:17 AM

As someone who struggled to get pregnant the first time around, I can see both sides. Whether you do a more intimate announcement with just your ILs or an announcement with the whole family, you should do something! I did not do any special announcement with my first bc I was very anxious about everything working out and really feeling sensitive to those still trying for a baby, but I really regret not doing anything special. A pregnancy is something to be celebrated! 

If your family is not aware of your struggle to get pregnant, it might be something worth sharing with your BIL and his wife when you tell them. When I was struggling to get pregnant I actually liked seeing pregnancy announcements from those dealing with IF bc it gives hope. You don't know what their story is, but sharing yours might invite them to open up and share with you. Just a thought!

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SRRP replied on Fri, Dec 23 2016 1:24 PM

I really appreciate everyone's responses, thank you.

Having been on both sides at this point I am able to agree that it was painful whenever someone did announce their pregnancy to us and had to find ways to deal with the unexpectedness.  Unfortunately, I also had to come to terms with the fact that it was not going to stop and people were always going to be pregnant at some point even though it may never be me.

Giving the gift to the parents alone isn't feasible as its a small house and we are usually last to arrive and first to leave since we live 2 hours away.  It would just be suspicious and MIL cannot keep a secret to save her life ๐Ÿ˜„ Plus we want the family to know.  Part of this is so MIL won't die from trying to keep a secret.

I've decided to have Hubs tell his brother today that we plan on announcing it tomorrow with a gift that way he has time to relay the information to his wife and then proceed as planned with the gift at the end.  I'm pretty excited about it especially since we were able to locate a nice HB yesterday with the doppler and these eggs are adorable. 

 

Again, thank you for all the different points of view and suggestions because it did help in the decision!

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Me:29  Kiss  DH:32

TTC #1 Since Dec. 2015

MMC in May 2014 @ 10 weeks, measured 6.2 weeks and no HB 

10/16 Femara & IUI= BFP @ 11DPO!  1st beta 31 2nd beta 116 with 37.25 doubling time

173bpm @ 8W 5D, measuring at 9w!

 

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tmonee replied on Fri, Dec 23 2016 1:40 PM

I think your plan sounds perfect. Telling the BIL/SIL early will give them time to process, if they need to process. I'd love to see the egg if you'd like to share.

Merry Christmas! What a wonderful Christmas gift you received hearing a strong heartbeat yesterday.

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Cliff1016 replied on Fri, Dec 23 2016 6:48 PM

Srrp- that's how my bro and his wife handled it when they were announcing at Christmas but wanted to be gentle with us because they knew we had been trying for over a year. I really appreciated the heads up and time to process on my own was genuinely so excited for them! Congrats & enjoy your holiday!

 

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SoccerGirl replied on Sat, Dec 24 2016 12:32 AM

SSRP, your plan sounds great and I'm so happy you heard a healthy heartbeat today!  Enjoy announcing your pregnancy!

Me(Marie): 28 & DH: 27 married 7 years Heart  

Started charting 2010 after stopping HBC.  My charts: http://www.ovusoft.com/members/SoccerGirl/charts/default.aspx

DS Baby Boy born Sept 2013 (BFP after 18 months TTC on 3rd month Clomid 50mg CD5-9)

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SRRP replied on Tue, Dec 27 2016 1:38 PM

So everything went very well!  My mom of course cried when she opened the egg and his parents were so elated.  Turns out my MIL has been stashing away baby things such as the organic baby food book I was gifted after the announcement.  The younger sister and her husband were excited because it meant my MIL would stop nagging them about having a kid and I am glad we told the other SIL and Brother beforehand.  The eggs were even more beautiful than in the photo on Etsy and were a major hit.  Definitely something you could do yourself at home if you have the time and patience.

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SoccerGirl replied on Wed, Dec 28 2016 10:15 AM

Those eggs are so cute!  Thanks for sharing. I'm glad everything went well with the announcement.

Me(Marie): 28 & DH: 27 married 7 years Heart  

Started charting 2010 after stopping HBC.  My charts: http://www.ovusoft.com/members/SoccerGirl/charts/default.aspx

DS Baby Boy born Sept 2013 (BFP after 18 months TTC on 3rd month Clomid 50mg CD5-9)

TTC#2 Sept 2014 Broken Heart5w Dec 2014 Broken Heart11w July 2015 Broken HeartBaby Boy 10w March 2016

April 2016- discovered subclinical hypothyroidism with thyroid antibodies- taking NDT, I also have other autoimmune issues

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